valley of vision

Someone asked me yesterday what it feels like to be 30. That seems so vague. How do I feel physically? No different than 29, but I definitely have felt the aging process over the past 10 years. Not dramatically....but I am only 30. Not 90. I think it has kind of made me stop and evaluate. Question. Okay, so what has my life amounted to over the past 30? What have I accomplished. I haven't made a million yet. Don't think I ever will. *wink*. I really could care less about that I guess. What have I done that has made a difference? That kind of discourages me. How have I brought glory and honor to the King of the universe? Isn't that what our "purpose" is here on earth?

In our devotions with Jeneva we are going through the exodus. God is leading his people out of Egypt into Canaan. Just this morning we read about Moses coming down from the mountain after 40 days and his face was glowing because he had been with God. My face is sort of glowing right now because it's oily and shiny and sun burned. I haven't washed it yet this morning. Ha! No, seriously though, do I have the essence of Christ written on my face? Can others see Christ in me? I have felt the weight my sins and failures lately. This is good....BUT, I've not been focusing on the cross, redemption, regeneration, forgiveness....I am saved by his grace even though I act like an Israelite in the wilderness. Time and time again I've been forgiven. I want to move forward with the essence of Christ glowing on my face so to speak.

I've been staying up pretty late at night this summer. Steve took a temporary shift change at his work and is now working the 10:30pm to 6:30am shift. So, he leaves for work around 10. So, that has been my time to be by myself. A lot of times I sit outside, light the citronella, and have a cup of tea--green tea---decaf---from Trader Joe's. It's peaceful. As peaceful as urban life gets anyway. It really is pretty quiet that late at night....despite the occasional fireworks. Hello people, the 4th of July was 2 weeks ago! I've been reading through The Valley of Vision A Collection of Puritan Prayers. I.Love.It. Those puritans certainly pray like I desire to be able to pray and talk to God. It's kind of like cheating because the words are there written down for me to just read. But oh, they are soooo good!

Here is a portion of one I read last night:
"Oh God, I know that I often do thy work without thy power, and sin by my dead, heartless, blind service, my lack of inward light, love, delight, my mind, heart, tongue moving without thy help. I see sin in my heart in seeking the approbation of others; This is my vileness, to make men's opinion my rule, whereas I should see what good I have done and give thee glory, consider what sin I have committed and mourn for that......(if you want to finish it read it for yourself!). The end expresses such hope!

This one was perfect for me right now because as I enter a new decade of my life this is one of my goals. I spend a lot of time "seeking the approbation of others." (I have given up on my "looks." I don't care what others think anymore! Ha! I'm never going to look 18 again, so why try. I do wish I could still run like I did when I was 18. I suppose that would mean I have to actually practice though now.) Anyway, how can I not do that, but desire that more from Christ? Maybe I'll figure it out more fully in this next decade. God help me!

Okay, I better get the kids out of the tub. I like to stick them in there when I actually feel like getting something done!